15 October 2007

Roll The Dice

Coming up snake eyes

The surveillance car turned chase car turned wait car

Feet, just waiting

I am still at Odell Park. I have been passing time by for about an 90 minutes and still have over 90 minutes more to wait. The longest wait in my life. The biggest gamble of my life.

I am very dysfunctional, I think if I have an idea of what I want in life I can be very methodical. I can clearly see the steps or processes needed to make that happen. I can see the outcomes and I feel I can influence what happens. It is a great feeling when this is successful. Structured, within expected time frames, little to nothing overlooked. This is a big contrast from how I was brought up in my youth. I love my parents but life didn't present the opportunity for them to stay together, and I was raised by my mother, who did a great job considering what she was working with. Very little structure as a result. Which is fine.

For as structured as I like things to be, I love chaos a lot more. I like to gamble. Not so much with money, but with life decisions. I have an instinct for making correct choices at the correct time. I credit this to God. Always. He has had such a huge hand in my life. Timing is everything! So very true. I am impulsive. I have no problem be spontaneous (especially when the mood suits). I would often times in college get up one morning, grab my bag, music and a book or two and head down to the bus station and go just any random place a day would take me. No itinerary, no plan. Just go and enjoy. Out of my control as to what would happen, what I would see or do, but it was okay and fun.

Not at all like today.
Today, I feel like it's such a crap shoot. Everything has been planned by other people. I don't know the whole plan. But I am told bits about it and then find out more, than more, than more. I am told one thing than see another happen. So frustrating! Hard to trust. Hard to believe. Even harder when I am asked to step back an let nature take its course. Fuck. I did so much to persuade and convince, so that the right 'us' scenario happens. All I want is the best. I feel helpless, so utterly helpless. I have actions I can take, but it won't bring me the result I am looking for. The risk is too high to pursue those options. I need to be trusted as much as my trust needs to be given. I am willing to do so. I just cry out to my Lord that the same will be returned.

Rely on each other for life. Tough to do when people are so independent and have their own ulterior motives for taking the steps they take. Here I am waiting. I feel helpless, like I'm being taken advantage of. I feel alone. I see three outcomes and I only like one of them. I feel it won't be the outcome that happens. Sucks.

I have prepared for the moment. I have done my research. I know all the outcomes. I pray to God I have made the right choice. I am so afraid that I have not. And having rolled the dice, I feel foolish.

Tomorrow might be a bigger gamble. One I hadn't counted on. Like, I'll be taken advantage of. Sucks.

Originally written: 15 August 2007 @ 3:31PM