The Return

Tax time for most is a dreaded time of year. Scrounging up paperwork, records... figuring out the totals... did the one get carried... do I get a refund or do I owe. For me, I never like this time of year, not because of the fear of owing... (just the hassle of gathering all of the needed figures and records). Having a look back at a years worth of transactions can uncover a lot of truth and emotion. 2007 was a rough year overall and the transactions show it. Why I don't like this time of year is I can file away the figures but I cannot file away the emotions. I wish... I wish... I wish... someday,... maybe?

Roll The Dice

Coming up snake eyes



The surveillance car turned chase car turned wait car


Feet, just waiting



I am still at Odell Park. I have been passing time by for about an 90 minutes and still have over 90 minutes more to wait. The longest wait in my life. The biggest gamble of my life.

I am very dysfunctional, I think if I have an idea of what I want in life I can be very methodical. I can clearly see the steps or processes needed to make that happen. I can see the outcomes and I feel I can influence what happens. It is a great feeling when this is successful. Structured, within expected time frames, little to nothing overlooked. This is a big contrast from how I was brought up in my youth. I love my parents but life didn't present the opportunity for them to stay together, and I was raised by my mother, who did a great job considering what she was working with. Very little structure as a result. Which is fine.

For as structured as I like things to be, I love chaos a lot more. I like to gamble. Not so much with money, but with life decisions. I have an instinct for making correct choices at the correct time. I credit this to God. Always. He has had such a huge hand in my life. Timing is everything! So very true. I am impulsive. I have no problem be spontaneous (especially when the mood suits). I would often times in college get up one morning, grab my bag, music and a book or two and head down to the bus station and go just any random place a day would take me. No itinerary, no plan. Just go and enjoy. Out of my control as to what would happen, what I would see or do, but it was okay and fun.

Not at all like today.
Today, I feel like it's such a crap shoot. Everything has been planned by other people. I don't know the whole plan. But I am told bits about it and then find out more, than more, than more. I am told one thing than see another happen. So frustrating! Hard to trust. Hard to believe. Even harder when I am asked to step back an let nature take its course. Fuck. I did so much to persuade and convince, so that the right 'us' scenario happens. All I want is the best. I feel helpless, so utterly helpless. I have actions I can take, but it won't bring me the result I am looking for. The risk is too high to pursue those options. I need to be trusted as much as my trust needs to be given. I am willing to do so. I just cry out to my Lord that the same will be returned.

Rely on each other for life. Tough to do when people are so independent and have their own ulterior motives for taking the steps they take. Here I am waiting. I feel helpless, like I'm being taken advantage of. I feel alone. I see three outcomes and I only like one of them. I feel it won't be the outcome that happens. Sucks.

I have prepared for the moment. I have done my research. I know all the outcomes. I pray to God I have made the right choice. I am so afraid that I have not. And having rolled the dice, I feel foolish.

Tomorrow might be a bigger gamble. One I hadn't counted on. Like, I'll be taken advantage of. Sucks.

Originally written: 15 August 2007 @ 3:31PM

Yes Or No?

When to Say "Yes" and When to Say "No"
By Michael Masterson
I make a lot of commitments that unnecessarily add stress to my life. Why I find it so difficult to say "no," I can't say. But it's something I'm teaching myself to do.
The first step is to figure out when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Here's what I've come up with...
1. Say "yes" - often but not always - to two people: your spouse and your business partner.
2. Say "no" - as often as you possibly can - to everyone who asks you for help. This would include:
your lazy colleague
your shiftless friend
your spoiled children/grandchildren
your most self-centered customers
anyone who isn't willing to give back
Here's something else you can do to lighten your load and maintain your forward momentum:
Write a list of 20 things - people, situations, responsibilities - that cause you stress.
Reduce that list to 10.
Reduce it again to three.
Now pick one of those three - and stop doing it.
If you are like me, the thing that is creating the most stress in your life right now is something you are doing to help out someone who doesn't deserve it. And if you're like me, you feel guilty about even thinking about stopping.
Do yourself a favor. Call him up right now and tell him very definitively that you are going to stop doing it at the end of this day/week/month/year. Offer a simple explanation. Don't feel the need to elaborate. If he objects, say "I'm sorry that this will be inconvenient for you. I am sure you will be fine in the end. But the decision has been made."
And stick to it.
Try it. You'll be amazed at how good it makes you feel. Do that and don't take on another responsibility for at least 24 hours.

This article appears courtesy of Early To Rise, the Internet’s most popular health, wealth, and success e-zine. For a complimentary subscription, visit http://www.earlytorise.com.

Not too bad advice. I am on track with agreeing with his statement on saying yes often but not always to your wife, which is something I have always tried to do but sometimes it is harder to do than others and ends up in discord... something for another post, in my head.

On his line about making a list of the 20 things, then reducing it, then again... I just don't see how that works. There have got to be certain circumstances where that is not possible to 'reduce the stress', particularily if it involves family or friends. I know I have some things beening done around me that are causing me stress and I would love for them to be stopped and have even tried to put an end to them -to no such luck, the things are still going on and I am still being stressed about them (along with other things). Maybe he is talking about something different. Not saying it cannot be done, just not sure how it can work.